Melancholy Day

It looks like our new nurse is not going to work out. He is a good nurse, just not a good match for Jack -- he's a bit too high energy and did some things that have us concerned about Jack's safety. I've been so fortunate with nursing over the last 8 years, yet when issues do arise . . . it gets me so down because I'm reminded that I'm in this for the long haul and the realization that my child's comfort and life is in someone else's hands every day is overwhelming at times. I then worry about what would happen if I died before Jack, I mean how many parents hope their child dies before them? But, I can't imagine not being here to watch out for Jack and make sure he is taken care of. I can't even fathom Jack being placed in a facility because we are no longer around or not able to care for him.

Anyway .... as you can see, a simple thing like an issue with a nurse just resurrects my deepest fears and then I get all melancholy about the whole Jack situation. Needless to say, I've been in a lousy mood today. It doesn't help that I've been stuck in the house because Mary was in a basketball tournament that lasted most of the day and Mark took her. Just another reminder of how my life is so much different than most -- if Jack was a typical 8 year old, we all would have been at the basketball tournament and spent the day together as a family.

To top off my mood, I made the mistake of looking through a CD we got from St. Louis Children's Hospital last summer that has a bunch of Jack's x-rays loaded on it. Another reminder of how "fragile" Jack really is -- his bones are the size of twigs:

A CT Scan from the summer of 2005

I'm getting up early tomorrow and going hiking with my friend -- which is usually good for an attitude adjustment.