Sunday, May 18, 2014

My Truth

It's been said that writing is storytelling that connects people through telling one's truth. So, I write what has been foremost in my mind lately. It's not exactly an uplifting piece, but it's my story. My truth.

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As I held Jack in my arms during his final hours, all I could say to him over and over again was "I'm Sorry".

Since that day, I've thought a lot about what I'm sorry for.

I'm sorry he was born with such an unforgiving disease.

I'm sorry he was hurting and he couldn't tell me where it hurt or how it felt.

I'm sorry I couldn't stop the pain.

I'm sorry I couldn't make him better.

I'm sorry I couldn't find doctors who could make him better.

I'm sorry for all the things he tried to tell me and I didn't understand.

I'm sorry for those times I wasn't as patient and gentle with him as I could have been.

I'm sorry I went to work and didn't stay home with him those last months of his life.

I'm sorry I didn't spend every night sleeping with him during his final months.

I'm sorry I didn't crawl into bed with him at Ryan House and hold him every second of his final days.

I was sorry I left his side at all during his final days.

I'm sorry I didn't talk to him more his last day.

I'm sorry I didn't touch him more his last day.

I'm sorry I didn't know it was going to be his last day.

But, despite all the things I'm sorry for,

I can say with certainty what I'm not sorry for.

I'm not sorry that January 5th was his last day

Because,

I'm not sorry that he is no longer hurting.

I'm not sorry that he is in his heavenly home and experiencing the joy of eternal life.

I'm not sorry he is finally free.

I miss him. I ache for him. I cry for him. Every single day.

But, I'm not sorry he is finally free.

ONWARD.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm only sorry I didn't get to see him one last time. Hugs Ann, thanks as always for sharing your thoughts so poignantly.

Dana said...

What I was glad to read , what I needed to know, was that Jack died peacefully. I think his peace said a lot. I am sure he wasn't full of blame, anger, or self pity. You could look at those eyes and see the love. He was thankful and greatful for you Ann. Sure u all were the bright spot in his days. Love u. :-)

Karen Gerstenberger said...

I'm sorry for your hurt and pain, but I'm glad that you are giving voice to your feelings here. They are yours, and they deserve to be spoken and heard.
May the light of Love's constant presence warm your heart and comfort you.

Susan said...

It sounds to me like what you are feeling is complex and natural given the circumstances. Much love to you.