Monday, February 04, 2013

Of a Few Things, I am Certain

The other night, I woke up around 1am and as I was lying there in bed listening to the rhythmic sound of Jack's ventilator through the monitor, my thoughts naturally went to Jack.  As I stretched out my legs to get comfortable, I imagined what it must feel like not to be able to do that simple act even though your body is telling you it wants to.  In fact, I tried to see how long I could go without moving as I lay there in bed.  I could feel my body wanting to shift positions and I struggled to not move a muscle despite my body's urging.  I didn't last very long before the uncomfortable feelings took over and I had to move.  Try it sometime - see how long you can go without moving.  It's tougher than you think.  You don't realize how much you move to get comfortable without even thinking about it - until you can't.

Needless to say, after failing miserably at my little experiment, the tears came when thinking about how Jack must feel.  I couldn't go back to sleep, so I went downstairs to lay down with Jack in his bed. When I walked into his room, I was quite surprised to see that he was still wide awake.  I had my phone with me because I had intended to listen to music with my headphones on.  Since Jack was awake, I ditched the headphones so that we could both listen to the music.  I have a playlist of contemporary Christian songs that I played.  Jack was clearly happy to have something to break the silence of the night.  I held Jack's hand and tried to catch a few winks.  At one point, I looked over at Jack and saw that he had tears in his eyes. This was not the first time I have seen Jack moved to tears by a song. Yet, I am always taken aback when this child displays such emotion to the words of a song.  It's these moments that quell any doubt as to the depth of Jack's understanding of the world around him.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - Jack's eyes speak volumes.  It's almost frightening.  It's as if he sees directly into my heart, my mind and my soul. The wisdom behind the silence is piercing. There is a spirit about Jack that can't be explained, but can be profoundly felt in moments like the other night.

There are few things in this life of which I am certain, but if Jack has made me certain of anything, it's that there is a God, there is heaven and there are angels sent from heaven to grace us, to teach us and to bless us.  Of what I am most certain, is that Jack is one of those angels.


For anyone wondering, the song that moved Jack to tears was "Here With Us" by Joy Williams.


Sarah said...

The depth of Jack's soul always astounds me. I'm sure he was so happy to have you come lie with him and keep him company. Love and hugs as you continue to cherish him for all he is.

The Hogan family said...

Amen my friend, amen. My soul is constantly amazed at the depth of Keyan's spirit and yet and I find myself alomst angry with God saying, "How dare you use my child...she is mine, let her be my earthly child." It honestly scares me sometimes because it is so beautiful and poignant. Enjoy your angel and squeeze his hand from me!

Susan said...

In my father's final years he would call me to drive over to his house to reposition his pillows so he could get comfortable. It was always a challenge since he was a tall man. I am thankful that Jack at least has a comfortable bed. My father was stubborn and though he was unable to get up he slept(lived really) on his couch when he should have been in an articulating bed. I was ready to insist he go to a home to live (so he could be properly cared for) the night he died. My grandfather would not let me move in. My uncle (the one with Down Syndrome) was the only person at the house to help him with his needs. It is so hard to see those you love be so imprisoned by their bodies Ann. I'm sure it is especially painful when it's your innocent child.

I'm glad you had such a special moment together. I think there is nothing so touching as connecting with your child by holding their hand. Jack is lucky to be loved so much and have such a wonderful mommy (and family). (((((HUGS)))))

Rachel said...

Sniff, sniff. :( Oh, the conversations we will have with our boys when we get to heaven. I think one of the first things they'll say is, Thank you.

Christy said...

Ann, this one brought tears to my eyes, too. I cannot help but think that Jack was so thankful to see you. You are both so loved, of that I am certain.


Dana said...

Beautiful Ann! I too tried to not swallow or clear my throat and see how long I could go without doing that. Not long. These kids put up with tons that we take for granted. It makes me feel bad when Laneah apoligizes for needing help. I guess I need to work on not showing my frustration.

Praying about the job for your dh.
Gotta love that we r so close to angels :-)