Sunday, January 26, 2014

How Am I Doing

So many good people have been checking up on me this last week asking how I'm doing.

I'm sick to my stomach, can't catch my breath, missing my boy. I can't bear to look into his room and not see him there. I can't bring myself to wash his clothes that sit in the dirty clothes hamper. I took the dog for a walk today and I cried the entire way thinking of all the walks Jack and I took along the same path.  

I didn't wake up January 5th knowing it would be my last day with Jack. If only I had known, I would have touched him more, smelled him more, talked to him more. I would have spent more time soaking in every essence of his being. I should have done more. No parent can ever feel like they've done enough when their child dies.

They tell me with time, it will become easier; that I need to just take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I suppose with time, I will be able to get through the day without feeling like I'm going to throw up. Eventually, I'll catch my breath. But, how do I go on without my Jack?

Yes, I know .... one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

The title of this blog is "Jack's Journey and Then Some". Jack's journey has ended. It's been Ann and Jack for so long, I don't even know how to live just "Ann's Journey". I've heard all the things people say I will do now that I have the time and rest that I haven't had the last fifteen years. I wish I could share their optimism. At the moment, all I hope to do is simply stand still and just BE.  

Please continue to check in on me and let me know you care. If I tell you I'm doing okay, I'm lying. I will never be okay again. Not without my Jack. 

Onward, dammit. Onward.


Jack's empty room - it's heartbreaking

all his "props"


Christy said...

Tears. I love your honesty. But hate that its this way. Know I am thinking of you every day. Love how you ended this post. Swearing makes everything more tolerable. At least for a brief second.

So much love coming your way.
Christy xoxo

Dana said...

Love you! Am still thinking about u and praying for you. I've heard it said that u shouldn't try to get over it or not remember him but give hyourself an set time everyday to think, remember, and cry as u need. I think the idea is if u schedual it than maybe the rest of the day u can hold it together. So go nap in his room, or sleep with one of his props- whatever helps. Maybe work on slurping his blog into a book. Then u can still have your Jack time. :) many many hugs.

Sarah said...

Oh my dear friend. Sweetest love to you. I know you're not ok...and things will never be the same. You're's hard to even know who YOU are anymore without Jack. Even though he's gone though, you will always be his mom. Hugs for another moment. Love you to pieces!

Roberta and Merrill said...

I am having a hard time replying to this because I am crying so hard. Today when I read your words, I knew we are now sisters from a different journey. No one should be a member of this sisterhood....yet there are many of us. I know first hand there are no words to take away this pain, but God can bring peace. He is the only one that can help now. I am grateful because I know you have your faith and that is the only thing that will help bring about real peace as you travel this totally new road. Just know that all of your friends are praying for you....on the days you can't go on, they will carry you and in time the world will once again be somewhat okay.

Susan said...

I hate that there is little we can do for you at this point in your journey, especially from afar. We are with you in spirit but I wish we lived closer so we could be there in person to listen and give hugs when you need them. It's like I said at the top of the hill, these kids take up so much of our hearts. Jack being gone is bound to leave a bit of hole. But he will be forever with us as long as he remains in our hearts. XOXO.

muzzymom said...

Looking at all the soft toys, the blue cross propped his vent tubing off his chest, the sea otter worked great on his arm, the green smiley supported his elbow. At the reception Kristi and I laughed because we both used to tell Jack "you're my favorite Deputy" as we held Woody. So many memories. Talk to Annie, dogs listen well, and I'm sure she's feeling his loss too. Hope Jack has met Riley up there. Love, Angie

Anonymous said...

I have been very moved by your story. What came thru to me was how very loved Jack is! Here is a child that only knew LOVE. The hole must be huge but I can't imagine you have any real regrets. You gave Jack your heart. Thank you for sharing.