Thursday, January 18, 2007


I’m tired. I’m so tired it hurts. I’m so tired the phrase “I’m too young to feel this damn old” comes to mind. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel tired. It’s not that I don’t get to bed early enough to get a decent night sleep; I’m just not able to sleep through the night. Rarely does a night go by that I’m not up once or twice dealing with a Jack issue. It’s also impossible to achieve any level of deep sleep when you are listening to the rhythmic swooshing of the ventilator through the baby monitor planted next to your ear. I’m so in tune to Jack’s vent that I can tell if there is water in the circuits, if the air leak around his trach tube is too big or if he needs suctioning just based on the subtle changes to the sound of the vent. Shutting off the baby monitor is not an option since we don’t have night nursing and Jack has to be monitored 24/7. To use my friend Tess’ favorite phrase … “it just sucks!” The scary thing is that I now find myself struggling to keep my eyes open when I’m driving to and from work. Not good! I just don't know how to get un-tired.

On a positive note, at least I’m not a rat. An article written by the Neuroscience Institute found that while sleep deprivation in humans leads to cognitive impairments, if sustained for 2-3 weeks in rats, it is invariably fatal!

(Interjecting a little humor here ... that was supposed to make you laugh).

Jack is 10 days away from being 6 months post-op. I plan on contacting his St. Louis ortho to ask him what Jack is allowed to do now that we are at the magic 6 month mark. Hopefully, he won’t give me a list of restrictions that we’ve already violated. :-) Jack continues to do well. He is happy, he is healthy and he is lovin’ life (and HE is getting plenty of sleep!)


Anonymous said...

I would like to quoted on something a little deeper. I will work on it. :)
I hate being tired. I too know every sound that Abby's alarm makes. It is hard to get a deep sleep when you are always on alert. I wish I could offer you some brilliant advice on this.

julie worthington said...

Oh boy, girls, am I with you on this! I hate listening to the clunk, clunk, clunk of Sam's feeding pump, I even tried throwing a quilt over it and I can still hear it! John and I are also permanently tired. As Tess so rightly put, when you are always on alert it is hard to settle to a good night's sleep. Like you, we have no night nursing, so are up several times a night to suction - or just to 'check' has the o2 come off, is the feed still connected and running - you know the stuff.

Unlike you, Ann, I don't have to go to work, so I could catch up on some zzzz when Sam is in school (don't though). You usually find me doing the ironing so I am able to play later when the kids are home. I couldn't go to work if I wanted to as I would have to pay nurses to care for Sam so would need a pretty well paid job to be able to afford to work!!! Also, I'm only 2+ years into this journey so probably have a long way to go before I am as tired as you.

Maybe we could all hit the beach together for a couple of weeks and leave the men to cope hehe! (well, I CAN dream)

Lots of love

Anonymous said...

Once again I am in awe by you. No night nursing. I was exhausted but we had night nursing. I can't even think of something clever or inspiring. But I did love Jacks Song! That is so sweet!
Your whole family is just so cool, for lack of a better more snazzy word.
Kristina :-)

Melisande said...

Sweetie, I'm feeling your tired this week girlfriend.