Thursday, August 05, 2010

Old

As you may have noticed lately, I've been a bit preoccupied with the fact that I'm old.  I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that in less than a year, I'll turn 50 freaking years old.  Say it isn't so!  I have this illusion that because I have an 8 year old,  I can't possibly be turning 50.

Wrong.

My thirties and forties were a complete blur. I spent the majority of my thirties consumed with Hilary and doing everything in my power to make sure she learned to hear and talk.  I was in the early years of my legal career when the decision was made to leave my family, friends and give up my career to move to St. Louis to give Hilary the best chance at achieving what I felt was important for her.  At the age of 37, along came Jack and then life got exceedingly difficult.  My late thirties and most of my forties were all about Jack.  Initially, it was all about keeping Jack alive. Then it became about making all "this" go away.  There were few moments of joy, lots of stress and much sadness over the last fifteen years. I lived with such a myopic view of the world because I was so focused on what needed to be overcome.

I approach 50 more relaxed and mostly at peace with my life. I want to work less, play more and truly take the time to enjoy the moments.  I want to have fun.  Yet,  I also fear what the next decade may bring.  However, I can now accept that I'm not in control and that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the inevitable.

As I inch closer to the half-century mark, I'm optimistic, hopeful and just a little bit scared.

And, let's face it people ...  50 is old!

So, bear with me my friends. This getting old stuff is really hard.

_______________________________________


Old age, though despised, is coveted by all.
(Proverb)

7 comments:

Christina said...

Trade ya birthdays? I am still 7 years old and will never turn "50" in numbers. I can't even say I feel older people who know me just laugh!

worthy said...

I feel old too some days, but inside I still feel 18. sometimes I wonder how I made it this far, but i am looking forward to my 50's in the hope that things will become easier. my only worry about getting older is Sam's care, and I suppose I'll be worrying about that for a very long time. You amaze me how you manage to work as well as doing everything else you do. 50? hey, we''ll just launch headlong in together!!!

Ann said...

Yes, Julie ... we will lauch headlong in together. Wish we lived closer so we could do it together in person!

Susan said...

I love the proverb. I felt the same in my late thirties. Those years disappeared in a poof! Now at 42, there's no denying that I'm not young as I head toward my mid-forties. 50 isn't that far off, if it goes by as fast as the past 8 years. But it's all just a number right? Making the most of our days despite whatever hand we are dealt is important no matter your age. I need a frequent reminder, myself, to do the same thing! Thanks for the inspiration.

Cindy said...

Ya, there is something about that half-century mark. At 49 you are still young, but 50 just SOUNDS so much older than 49.

Melisande said...

Ann,

You make 50 look great, woman!

bettyd said...

Ann -
I'm a bit ahead of ya! In less than 6 months... I hear you with your comments on doing care for our sons who both need 100% care. Arriving at the teen years means larger boys and more back pains for us.

I am glad that you take the time for your hikes. Maybe not a enough for you, but so much more than I can get done so keep that camera with you so I can live through your lens.

- betty.