Wednesday, May 23, 2007

This Child of Mine

Mary is suffering the consequences of getting very little sleep the last week and she is being quite the little brat right now; Eric is running around the house like a madman spreading toys and chaos in his path; Hilary is pacing (which she does when she gets into her creative, story-writing mode) and then . . . there is Jack. Jack just is. He lies in bed unable to move little more than his fingers, watching with such intensity the microcosm swirling around him and he smiles, he laughs and he is so content just taking it all in. This child of mine is so amazing. Every evening when I walk in the door from work, I go directly to Jack’s room and the warmth I feel when he sees me is tangible. I can’t explain it, but his presence is so powerful. The way he looks at me, it’s almost frightening. It’s as if he sees directly into my heart, my head and my soul. I swear he knows everything about me. And, those eyes … they talk to me. They say “Mom, everything is OK, don’t worry about my g-button, those difficult medical people, insurance and equipment companies, nursing issues or billable hours.” “Mom, don’t sweat the small stuff, and it really is all small stuff.” “All that really matters, Mom, is that you love and you are loved.”

I don’t need to read books; I only need to read my son. If I could get into that head of his - what else would be revealed? This child of mine truly brings me to my knees. He says so much without saying a word. The simple act of holding his hand brings about a sense of peace and compels me to stop and reflect on life during those times when I feel overwhelmed.

I know this all sounds incredibly melodramatic, but tonight has been one of those nights where being in Jack’s presence has moved me. Tonight is one of those times when I felt compelled to stop, reflect and write. This child of mine has taught me so much and, God willing, there is much more he has yet to teach me. I look forward to it.

It’s been over an hour since I started this entry and Eric is now crashed out asleep on the recliner here in Jack’s room; Mary is in her bedroom, hopefully catching up on some much needed sleep; Hilary is upstairs on the computer pounding out the words to her story; and it’s time for me to get this little boy next to me ready for bed. Thank you for taking the time to check in on us and for caring. Some of you I know, many of you I don’t, but all of you are appreciated.


kristy said...

I know what you mean. We walk different paths with our children, but I "get" the feeling you have about Jack--I have it with Nathan. It is amazing and very powerful. Some days it takes my breath away.

I hope you have a great day.

Kar said...

I believe there's a universal balance. I do. We all have our faults, but every person has that one thing that makes them a unique contribution to the world we live in.

One of my girlfriends' children is autistic. He's a trippy kid. I was over at her house keeping an eye on her mob, and G., her son with the affliction, was following me around the house for the first hour or two that I was there. He kept insisting there was something wrong with my belly. Finally, out of the blue, he said, "there's someone in there". And then he was done. He'd solved the problem, and went on to the next thing.

I was, at the time, 2 months pregnant with Milan. I hadn't told anyone. NO ONE.

I believe, because I've observed it, that nature keeps the balance. You never get it all without some price to pay, you never get the short end of the stick without getting something special in return.

I didn't know Hilary was a writer. Hmmmm....wonder where she gets THAT from?

Ann, when you write your self-help book, I'll be first in line at the signing. Can't wait to read it!

julie worthington said...

I understand exactly what you mean. Jack is an amazing child with a big heart - the rest of it is unimportant - you have taught him how to love

Melisande said...


I'm speechless. I "get it" as well. Love you and all your family, especially Jack. Give him a kiss and squeeze from us!!

Anonymous said...

I have never even met Jack and I am in awe of him. I do feel his powerful presence all the way over here in Canada. He has touched many, many people.

Anonymous said...

touching entry've got crabby old me tearing up in here this morning.

thanks so much for your ability (and willingness) to share.


Clara said...

I'm crying now! Definitely get it when I hold my baby's hand in the Nicu, then everything is ok. Love Jack! He is such a sweet trooper, he's adorable!