Monday, December 29, 2008

Checking In

I'm not feeling too inspired to write these days. I always approach the Christmas season proclaiming "I love Christmas". But the fact is, the Christmases I love are memories of Christmases past. They are the Christmases of my childhood and those with my girls when they were little . . . before Jack was born. Growing up with five siblings - Christmas was always so much fun. From picking out and decorating the tree, to the anticipation of Christmas Eve, to the chaos of Christmas morning. Nothing but good memories. Now, as I wrap the gifts, fill the stockings and sit back and watch Christmas morning unfold, it's just not the same because one of my children is still asleep, he doesn't have a clue what Christmas is about, he doesn't ask for toys, he doesn't play with toys, and he just doesn't get it. The fun of Christmas morning is tempered by the morning routine that I've come to dread after ten years - the breathing treatment, the Vest, suctioning, tube feeding, and more suctioning. Loading up the car to drive across town to my sister's house is not as simple as the kids all jumping in the car. It's just a whole lot of work and by the time I get to my sister's I'm exhausted and . . . bitter. I just feel so sad for Jack and I suppose, for me too.

As my brother so accurately pointed out last night when we talked . . . I'm having myself a pity party. I just want the whole "happy" holiday season to get over with. I'm much happier in the routine of every day life where it's easier to pretend my life is just like everyone else.

Putting aside my pity party for a minute, I received wonderful Christmas cards/pictures from so many of you and I am so grateful to be considered your friend. Thank you all. I also received several very generous donations to The Willow Tree Foundation. I am honored and more committed than ever to reach out to more families of medically fragile children this coming year. Stay tuned for more on that.

Thanks for checking in. Thanks for caring.


Faith said...

I too always look forward to Christmas but this year it was just another "something" to check off on my to do list. For the first time in my life I am relieved it is all over. I cannot imagine having to spend 10 Christmases (well, really 11) dealing with all you have had to. So I think your pity party both overdue and validating for us novices!

Happy New Year Ann, I hope this one is filled with abundant blessings! :)
Much Love,

The Marangella Family said...

Ann, I could have written (and probably did at some point) this post myself. Our feelings are very normal, for parents like us it's not necessarily pity but rather mourning what should have been. Just remember you are not alone, we’re all here for ya baby :)!

Julie W said...

Ann - if anyone is due a pity party, then you are. As Jen so rightly put, it's just another thing on the to do list. I've just got to the point now where I'm staring at the tree and all the cards (which keep falling ove and people keep knocking down) and wondering when I can take it all down. Plus the house is not big enough for the six of us in it right now. Oops, think I might just join you in that pity party!

Susan said...

Hugs my friend. It's okay to have a pity party every now and then.